The Holy Grail

Right then, it’s time for some serious business now, so pull on your Buzz Lightyear Jim Jams, sprinkle some extra marshmallows on your choccy ginger latte, or do whatever you T-Freaks do to get comfy…hoist the sail and swab the poop deck, we are off in search of…the perfect T!

Now we’ve lost many a good man and woman on this crusade – they’ve wandered the world from Kiddermister to Kathmandu, grown beards, got the shits, and been chased by the Mud Men of Borneo, as they scour the globe for that thing that fits the best, feels the best, prints the best, and changes the way the world spins. And you’d be surprised how clear their minds are on the subject — you could send the same T-shirt to ten people, and you would hear reports back that ranged from ‘Thank you for finally making my life complete, this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, am I allowed to rub it on my face?’ to ‘Why have you sent me this load of old cobblers, I wouldn’t use it to flick the clag nuts off a tramp?’

And it has been so for me for the last twenty five years, all that’s changed is the language, from ‘Crikey, this really is a rather jolly super T shirt isn’t it?’ to ‘Wicked man, this T-s sick, it’s kind of, sort of, like, pretty much, really way frikkin awesome dude…you know what I’m saying’…well I kind of, sort of, really pretty much don’t, but you seem like a nice chap, so feel free to call me Homeslice.

So what do we learn from this? There is no perfect T. Let it go, relax, remember that your Mum does really love you in spite of what she said, and that it’ll all be alright in the end…and while you’re winding down, don’t get hung up on all the textile techno babble… maybe we should de mystify a few T shirt questions:

Weight, what do I need? — you will hear that the T-s range from maybe 115 gsms to 215 gsms (grams per square meter). This does not mean that you need to cut out a square meter of fabric, and borrow a small set of scales from a man in a Fila tracksuit and a flat peak gangsta snap back — the 115’s or anywhere near are lovely for women’s wear, light, flowy wuffty waffty, and in my own hedonistic velvet trousered view, also nice in the men’s very fine jersey options — but be careful when choosing for blokes — these light weights are a lover or hater…I love them, like I love Keats, Shelley, Byron and a nice cream tea, but many won’t, especially the older gentleman who still thinks quality = weight, and at the other end of the gene pool, in cargo shorts with a bike chain, tattooed, in DC shoes and listening to Blink 91763.2 type of person, will want his T heavy, square, and like it might be from America, where he wished he’d been born, instead of a cul de sac in Coventry.

But, this heavy bullet stopping tackle is hardly high street…it’s nichey, hip hop and down with the kids…most of the high street, post All Saints, has gone all see through, with deep V-s, light weight scoops, and soft as bum fluff burnouts — this is the bulk of the market, from Top Flop, Nomark and Fantasy Island to the boho boutique bandits.

So what do you do? Only my humble opinion, but first time out you go 165gsm, middle of the road, easy listening Country and Western. That’s a compromise right? Yes, it is, and I’m not comfy with it, but especially for online sales it’s not about choosing your personal favourite T shirt, but about picking the one that annoys the fewest people…light enough for the fake tanned chest flashers, heavy enough for the greasy rockers…keep them both happy and guess what, no returns…it’s good for business. The only time I’d chuck this idea in the skip is if you are selling direct to retail, where your customers can finger the product, which sounds wrong, but they’ll know what they’re getting before they rifle their wallet.

What kind of fabric do I need? Ring spun cotton? Combed cotton? Double twist Egyptian? It’s not a nasty testicular wrestling move, it’s good, you want it…don’t worry about the words, they just means that if you put a microscope on the fabric most of the boulders of impurity will have been got rid of, combed out, spun out… so it’ll be nice and soft…nice and soft means feels nice, but also with a good tight weave it will print more fine detail more accurately, important on tonal work where the printed dot can break on rough textures losing resolution.
As for blended fabrics, poly cotton, tri blends etc, yes, can feel nice too, but speak to your trusty screen printer first…dye migration is not unheard of (where the dye sneakily creeps through your print over a period of time), and some fabrics will not work well with discharge inks, and we do like to use them when we can to keep the texture lovely.

Can I have eco friendly stuff? Indeed, what about those Polar Bears?….There goes another one…splash, growl, bubble…so, we have Organic cotton, Fairwear Foundation, Eco-Tex 100, Confidence in Textiles, Soil Association Accredited, blessed by the Jedi Council…all good, we’ll take that, and really to be expected…the war’s not over, but we’re not so worried these days that the shirt was made by an orphaned kitten wired up to the mains, especially when we see any of these accredited symbols. Do we believe them? In the main yes, even twisted cynics like me, but there’s no substitute for working with people who use factories that they know inside out…an accredited symbol is good, but a trusted relationship ices the cake.
It’s a big subject though, for example your bamboo fabric may be from a sustainable source, but while using more chemical in its processing than a standard T…is it six and two threes, swings and roundabouts, yin and yang…discuss?

Do I want my T shirt to have side seams or be tubular? — Personally, I couldn’t give a chuff…it’s more about manufacturers saving money on fabric consumption…and a decent side seamed T won’t spin like Jane Torvill on hot grease…the stuff of nightmares, so we’ll leave that image, but if you wash it with love, and waft it into shape before it goes over the radiator in the back bedroom, it’ll dry straight, no problem. What will make a T twist, and generally make you look like you’ve been stuck in a lift with a gibbon, is how you wear it. Do not attempt to watch Hollyoaks with your knees in the T, while trying to manoeuvre a cheese sandwich up the inside…I’ve seen it done…

Should I have a wide neck rib or thin neck rib? The wider rib tends to come on the heavier, coarser, square cut T-s, again for those who wish their name was Dr Shizzle and they lived in the Projects next door to DJ Dipstick. There’s a market for them, but less so in the UK, where the thinner ribs or self fabric finish is more main stream, for high street and Soho boutique. What kind of rib, 1×1, 1×2? You’re getting picky now but again, don’t worry, just make sure it’s nice and tight so it holds it’s shape…if we want a scoop neck T, we’ll start out with one right?

How do I want my T-shirt to fit? Like an eight man tent with an inside toilet, or semi baggy, or fairly fitted, perhaps just fitted, or spray on, or ‘Hello Sailor make mine a large one’…what kind of cut do you want? Unless you really love baggy basketball at one end, or spend a lot of quiet time kissing your shrink wrapped guns, again, let’s play it down the middle shall we…hold on, no, just wait a minute, go easy on me, this is not another bunch of fence splinters up my harris, I’m just trying to save you some pain. A lovely semi fitted T will do two good things…it can be worn a little baggy (without going Vader’s cape) by just going up a size from your usual fitting sir — equally, and if you like, you can drop sizes until you look like a Lincolnshire sausage…it’s versatile. And there was another good thing, ah yes, they work very well as a unisex T. There was a time when we would have said you have to have a female cut, but in 2013 as I waffle this out, the ladies like em long, oversized…a pair of leggings, a bobble hat, rolled up sleeves, and a voice that tries to be cool but sounds like you’ve just smoked 900 fags, and they’re off to audition for Made in Chelsea.

So that’s your weight, your fabric content, your eco conscience, your fit, your neck and your seams, all taken care of, and it always leads me back to the lovely quality, every box ticked, safer options…avoiding the deep V’s and the neoprene bum flaps, no wheel re invention, just the perfect canvas for the bit that really matters, the design, the branding, the story…that graphic piece of you…