Crocheted Die Neue Frankfurter Schule
News is just emerging of another crazy crochet knitting attack, believed to have been perpetrated by what the police have referred to as an unstoppable gang of, ‘wild old ladies’ You may wish to take exception with the collective noun used by the authorities, in that such an ensemble would not be a ‘gang’, but perhaps a ‘zimmer’ or a ‘large sherry’ of wild old ladies, but that would be splitting a blue rinsed hair. The point is, that after a recent break out at the Shady Pines Rest Home Chipping Norton, (for Ladies of Local Standing), there had been a marked increase in what is now known as ‘Yarn Bombing’, a kind of textile based graffiti.
According to Detective Superintendent Arthur Werther, of the Chipping Norton Constabulary, ‘If it stands still for more than half an hour, it’s likely to get knitted’. He went on to say that although the handiwork of the swift needled assassins is plain to see, the national network of these craft based attack squads is becoming increasingly tricky to unravel.
History
Fifi – Crocheted Citroen 2CV
The practice does have history however, and was initially conceived of in the US, where Texas knitters were trying to find a creative way to use up yarn leftover from their knitting projects.
The origins of the movement have been attributed more specifically to Magda Sayeg, from Houston, who says she ‘first got the idea in 2005, when she covered the door handle of her boutique with a custom-made cozy’.
This is all well and good, but what began as a clever way to keep a door handle warm, has now warped into a graffiti style knitted vandalism. It is especially prevalent in the Nottingham area, thanks to a clandestine collective called ‘I think I’ve Just Knit Myself’.
Where they differ is in their speed of attack, enabling them to knit otherwise moveable objects, once considered impossible. An undisclosed local has disclosed, that during a recent trip to Asda in West Bridgford to buy a cooked chicken, he returned to the car park to discover that his beloved Citroen 2CV had been mercilessly crocheted.
Crocheted scooter
‘The sight of what had happened to Fifi was almost too much to digest’ the victim reported, ‘but I went into shock on the way home when I saw what had happened to a nearby vehicle’.
‘I was only in the shop for five minutes, who the hell can knit that quickly’?
By the time he had removed the car cozy his chicken was stone cold, but in happier news, Asda have given him a £5 George voucher, to purchase any one of their range of three piece suits.
Wild old ladies in a crazy knitting attack? What next?
