Having been on the receiving end of some not-so-caring customer care, Paul Stephenson asks, how should we be doing it?

I wrote this from France, firmly in the grip of Hurricane Pierre; you know that level of thunder that literally blasts you from the bed clutching your genitals. And the wind! It was a gale I’d only seen previously in North Atlantic submarine films. In an attempt to lighten the air I turned to the Mrs and said: “Is it time for cocoa Number One?”… Wherupon I was advised to ‘Sod off’ and make my own.

I know when I’m not wanted, and decided to go in search of diesel for the return trip (the boules tossing fuel saboteurs weren’t going to halt my progress), and throwing on the John Mills duffle coat I stepped into the storm. But it wasn’t the weather or the lack of cocoa that were to upset me that night; it was the lady at the petrol station.

On realising that my credit card didn’t work, rather than the usual Gallic shrug, Madame Gazole started to wave her arms about like Joe Cocker asking love to lift him up where he belongs. A violent tirade followed, during which she smoked two Disques Bleus, burped a cloud of garlic and lost a zip up slipper. And so to this month’s topic …… CUSTOMER CARE.

Now we all know about the bad stuff, how not to do it: “Thank you for calling.We value your call, but by the time it is answered you will have grown a beard, lost most of your teeth and may well be dead. Should you get through you will speak to a no doubt lovely man called Jugdish, who will encourage you to entirely dismantle your computer, until the office floor resembles R2D2’s grundy drawer — at this point you will be cut off. Please have a length of rope and some dynamite ready to enable immediate suicide.” And if Britney tries to sell me one more water cooler… am I forgiven for imagining her with peroxide frazzled hair, three foot nail extensions and bright orange skin, fresh from two weeks in Tangolia?

So what are you supposed to do? I consulted an adviser at Business Link.

Customer care apparently is about ‘putting systems in place to maximise your customer’s satisfaction with your business’. You don’t say… but let’s try and get some more detail. Clearly it’s more relevant to some roles than others — receptionists and sales staff are at the sharp end on this one, and need to have both flossed and Listerined. But it’s often as important in the warehouse; all our endeavours will be for nothing if Frank in dispatch leaves a half eaten pork pie in the shirt box.

My new tie-wearing friend advises me that a huge range of factors can contribute to customer satisfaction, but here are some of the essentials a customer is likely to take into account:

How well your product or service matches customer needs — sounds obvious, but I guess he means don’t try and sell a big baggy heavy T-shirt to the Soho fashionistas — they’re going to want something soft, light and easy on the nipple.

The value for money you offer — I’m not interpreting this as meaning cheap, I presume it just means you have to be able to turn to camera, smile, and say ‘Because I’m worth it’.

The efficiency and reliability in fulfilling orders — sounds even more obvious, but it does feel sometimes like you’ve got more chance of two weeks in a snow bound pine lodge with Elle Macpherson, than getting a call back from a supplier.

The professionalism, friendliness and expertise of your employees — does this mean don’t employ a nasty bloke who arrives late, farts loudly and talks nonsense?

How well you keep your customers informed — now he’s got a point here. I don’t mind getting messed around that much, as long as suppliers explain how and why they’re going to do it — it’s only cricket.

Mr Shiny Shoes then went on to talk about understanding your customer — this can apparently be done by analysing: Their order history — they’ve suddenly stopped buying hot pants — are they going commando? Keeping records ofcontact with your business — the only records I keep are by The Clash so I could be failing here.

Direct feedback — if you ask them, most customers will tell you how they feel (sounds dangerous).

Changes in the goods or services your competitors are supplying may tell you what your customer really wants — presumably he means it’s time for cyber snooping.

Feedback and referrals from non-competitive suppliers — I’m not sure I know many of those but I get the picture.

This all led to him banging on about then managing this customer information by establishing a customer care policy, which I just about survived, and then something about measuring sales renewal rates, average order fulfilment times, time taken from order to delivery, the volume of marketing material sent out and the number of damaged goods returned… I was hanging on by my teeth now, and then he hit me with it: “Your customers and employees will be useful sources of information about the KPI’s which best reflect customer service areas in your business”… BANG, that was the elephant dart, put me in a dwarf outfit and call me Sleepy. Waking up on the floor with a crowd around me I thought, is there another way? Well there is of course, the Stephenson Customer Care Program. This advocates dismissing all the customers you don’t give a flying rats about, and freeing up a load more time to really look after the lovely and the worthwhile. So if you sign up for this approach, who would be off the Christmas card list?

Customers who repeatedly call you ‘Dood, Fella or Homes,’ and finish sentences with ‘Too easy’.

Customers who are over-business like: ”We’re going to do business, and it’s going to be big business, and my people will need to talk to your people about pencilling us in for a window”. In my experience these characters usually go on to try and pay with their Mum’s credit card.

Detail Freaks: customers who want to know the weight the fabric will acquire in a light drizzle, and the distance from the bottom hem to the arm pit, allowing for a 3” under arm hair tolerance …. GOODBYE!

Anyone who can’t count the number of colours in a design — which gets rid of a good 50%.

Characters who don’t listen to the technical advice you give them, and then write to Crime Watch to complain that a litho transfer has more texture than a water based print — we told you Clown Boy.

Absolutely anyone who tells you the correct amount for you to charge: ”No you’re wrong. You see T-shirts cost a pound, they just do, it’s the law.” Ask them what they do for a living and then lecture them at length about how to do their job better, being careful to sound clueless and arrogant.

Suppliers of bog roll artwork in search of the Mona Lisa.

Auto biographers — “Well I’ve always liked drawing in my spare time, farmyard scenes mainly, but it wasn’t until Bob was made redundant at the power station that I had the money to start my own clothing range. I wouldn’t have had the confidence, but my good friend Doris said you know what Rene, you could sell them, so…” May the Lord rescue me, any time now.

Chisellers: customers who only pay just when they need to re-order; and anyone whose street name is Beat Box.

If you are unable to do any of the above, may I suggest you keep a small note book of customer care comments you’d like to make on your final day at the office……”No your order isn’t quite ready, I just need to connect the blue and the red wire, activate the alarm clock and then it’ll be on a pre-9.30 for you, with TNT”.

Well that leaves me with two customers, but damn are they going to get cared for — you know who you are, assume the position and prepare to be loved!